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Of Love and Heartbreak, Loss and Learning
Friday, June 19, 2015 at 7:15 PM
Loss is something that I can never get used to.
It was different this time around. The reason is fairly acceptable, there was proper closure and we both knew it was for the best. Somehow, this propelled me forward and urged me to keep walking. It is still a long way down the road, after all. It may be a lighter load to bear because the skies have cleared, albeit gloomy, but it hurts just the same. It shook me enough to question why God is punishing me again. However, when a storm ends, resilience begins in the aftermath. I cannot bring myself to be embittered by the Lord, for I have not latched on to Him at times when I should have surrendered myself in His hands. And I lay all of me to Him now.
I told myself that this is nothing, compared to the pain I have already endured, and the losses I have already suffered. Those losses have certainly served me well, for there is now greater room for acceptance, and a greater capacity to heal. I was able to recognize that true strength begins when I am willing to acknowledge that it is okay to show weakness, that it is okay to let people anchor me if I cannot set sail... At least, not yet.
Mourning is cleansing.
I shed tears, an ocean of it, because he is worth my tears. He is worth my sorrow, my anguish, my frustration and my devastation. But he is also worth my forgiveness, my understanding, and most of all, my love.
Loss is something I can anticipate. It may be in my blueprint to over analyze everything, but intuition or gut is something I have never ignored. Loss is not completely instantaneous nor does it always come as a surprise to me. In my case, I have always been prepared for it in forms I usually do not expect. One clear warning is when the passion begins to fade. It goes downhill from there, and then the inevitable strikes.
I am the type of person who is willing to give love to everyone and to show it in whatever way I could. At first I thought there is minimal impact in little acts of love and kindness, but when I became the recipient of it, I have never been so enlightened in its intensity and its ability to save. I have learned to never again underestimate the power of an outpouring of love people around me are willing impart. At times when I falter and I turn to someone for help, it has been a fear for me to burden people. But I am beyond blessed to be given such a solid support system, and that is a miracle in itself. I have been reminded countless times of my own worth by my family of blood and water, the worth that I am unable to see in myself ever since, but would be so willing to uncover when it comes to other people . What we seek also seeks us, and what we give comes back to us a thousandfold.
So what am I afraid of? What makes loss immensely crippling?
I have asked myself this countless times, and the bottom line has remained the same; I am scared to be alone. In essence, I am surrounded by a myriad of people, but it is not being alone per se that scares me. It is being lonely. Loneliness is daunting, because it makes the hours long, the metal lose its luster, and the world be bared of color. But what is so wrong about being alone? What is heartbreaking about a path of self-discovery, and a chance to be my best self?
Happiness is a conscious choice, and I will keep choosing it. The pursuit of it is not a walk in the park, nor is it consistently smooth sailing. Sometimes I can run. Sometimes I would have to crawl to it. Sometimes I will drown and sometimes the waves are not friendly. And that is what makes it so thrilling; the journey is as important as the destination.
Happiness may not be a perpetual state, but it is an endless adventure.
And here it comes, the secret of loss; you celebrate with it the abundance of what you have, the abundance of gain everyday. For in every heartbreak, in every failure, there are lessons learned.
We are undeserving of His graces but we are showered by it in more ways than we can imagine. In the midst of it all, loss is nothing, and faith is everything.
I believe in the careful cosmic balance of the world. I believe in the seasons of life, and despite time being a social construct, there is a definitive time for everything. Time heals nothing. a renewed perception does.
Learning is cumulative, and I do not intend to forget. I intend to make use of every experience as a stepping stone to every road I will tread. I will tread lightly, with an unfazed passion, and a graceful renewal.
There is nothing to fear. Greater is coming.
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“In most books, the I, or first person, is omitted; in this it will be retained; that, in respect to egotism, is the main difference. We commonly do not remember that it is, after all, always the first person that is speaking. I should not talk so much about myself if there were anybody else whom I knew as well. Unfortunately, I am confined to this theme by the narrowness of my experience. Moreover, I, on my side, require of every writer, first or last, a simple and sincere account of his own life, and not merely what he has heard of other men's lives; some such account as he would send to his kindred from a distant land; for if he has lived sincerely, it must have been in a distant land to me. Perhaps these pages are more particularly addressed to poor students. As for the rest of my readers, they will accept such portions as apply to them. I trust that none will stretch the seams in putting on the coat, for it may do good service to him whom it fits.”
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